Book Review: Unbearable Lightness

Last week I read Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain by Portia De Rossi just published last month. De Rossi is best known for her television roles on Ally McBeal and Arrested Development, but even more famously for being the wife of Ellen DeGeneres. This is her story of a longtime battle with anorexia and bulimia.

I was skeptical going into this book. I am skeptical going in to most memoirs as I find they tend to fall into a couple different categories: good stories by not-so-good writers and not-so-good stories by decent writers. De Rossi is no Augusten Burroughs (although he speaks highly of this book), but her honesty and pain are real and her genuine likability shines through.

Growing up in Australia De Rossi (born Amanda Rogers) developed her eating disorder as a young model. Having lost her father as a child and determined to help her mother make ends meet and maintain the lifestyle Portia herself had grown accustomed to, she turned to modeling. The up and down eating habits of a child became out of control and a cycle of binging and purging surfaced.

Between serious bouts of binging, purging or starving Portia dieted, relentlessly. She actually states that perpetual dieting is itself a "disordered" way of eating. Constantly judging your food and yourself for eating certain things is also psychologically harmful. Underlying all of these issues with food was Portia's realization that she was a lesbian and her fear and anxiety that that reality would end her career and destroy her family.

The worst of her periods came during the years she was on Ally McBeal. You may remember several actresses on that show being spotlighted for their skeletal thinness and subsequent confessions of eating disorders. Portia said on Oprah that the pressure to be thin did not come from the powers-that-be at Ally McBeal, but a change in the landscape of Hollywood at the time.

At points during this period De Rossi was restricting her calorie intake to about 300 calories per day (dropping as low as 150 for a time). She was maniacal about weighing and measuring her food, using special dishes and utensils to ensure she did not over eat. She was so terribly afraid of ingesting unscheduled calories that she never wore lip gloss so she could tell if the steamed vegetables she ordered had been dressed with any oil.

One of the most upsetting scenes to me was relayed early on in the book, but chronologically was closer to the end of her worst stretch, and involved yogurt. Portia would portion out 2 ounces of fat free sugar free plain yogurt with a sprinkling of Splenda and freeze them. She claimed the result tasted like Dairy Queen. One night she ate 3 servings at once, 6 ounces of yogurt (about the size of a normal serving) and the resulting panic crippled her. The calories were bad enough, the loss of control was unbearable.

At her lowest weight De Rossi (5' 6") weighed 82 pounds, at her highest 168. She claims she does not know what she weighs now and that she does not follow any kind of diet. If I had a problem with this book it is her final assertion that you should eat whatever you want and your body will find its weight. Restricting yourself in any way is not healthy. I know personally that is not the case for me. I have got to keep track of what I eat or I will gain weight, but I am glad for her that she has reached a healthy place.